more bitching about life....

Sometimes I wish things were better...I look back at the choices ive made and know they could have been better, but at the time I made them it was the decision that caused the least amount of pain. Those same decisions are what are making me miserable now. Every skipped college class, every skipped workout during the season, every unpaid bill, every girl I chased...I feel like I'm paying the cost now and it makes life feel like its hardly worth living because I don't see a way out. I don't see how I'll ever be able to buy a house or a car or anything much more expensive than a nice laptop computer. So I stay in the army because it's the one place I feel like I matter, where I'm somebody other than a guy with child support payments and no car. I guess that's all I ever wanted out of life was to matter to the world. But the older I get the more I realize just how insignificant individuals are to the world, some more than others...I wish I could just drop everything and leave by myself. I'm not even sure what keeps me anchored to Chicago. I hardly even see the people i consider my best friends, neither of my children live in Chicago....so I'm not sure why I cant bring myself to leave... I genuinely feel I spend a lot of my time simply delaying the inevitable of what's really coming for me. Not sure what it is but if it follows the trajectory of my life thus far then it is bound to be something unpleasant...people always say what I should be doing but no one really has any insight on where the first step to take is...so instead of facing all of that Id rather lose myself in whatever helps me forget the reality of my reality...

knowing is half the battle...

"Celebrating the win, celebrate what it meant/spend all my time reminiscent cuz that's all that there is/im grown now cant even celebrate the attempt...." So much to say I doubt I'll ever get it all out to the world...thats why I'm appreciative of the 4 or 5 people who get me. Why does our friendship have to be secret? Becuz you are one of two women I truly loved and still do, I'd probably drop everything right now to be with u, but the cost of someone knowing me that well is that they only want to get close to a certain distance (hmmm...not sure if my grammar is correct on that). Anyway ive tried outright telling you this but I don't think u believed me. When u have certain feelings for someone it makes everything awkward. The women who think theyve known me really didn't...I only show the part of myself which I think they can handle. Some people break down over time trying to do this but I actually get better over time almost buying what I'm selling. I tell myself maybe one day someone will develop into the person I need or I'll meet a new person who will open my eyes to something new or at least reminiscent of feelings I had when I was younger. But these days I live in a series of moments hoping for the best, and that "hope" that maybe, just maybe tomorrow will feel better than the previous day is what keeps me going...and that'll have to do...for now... "Sometimes I have this dream..."" "Yea? Like what?" "Nothing...sometimes I have it, that's all..."

definitely not crazy....

So...I'm not crazy...but only a crazy person would say that, right? So I'm seeing two different counselor's and one is for "anger management" and the other is for...ummm...more regular problems? Now...what does this have to do with the price of thongs in Ghana? Nothing but I always wanted to use that phrase... Anyway the truth is ive always been somewhat angry and after years of repression it is time to deal with it before something bad happens...I mean, I'm sure I wont turn into the hulk and start smashing things (regardless of all the "steroids" jokes that people in my army unit have). But I would like to be an overall happier person, I see other people who seem to be enjoying life and as I'm getting older I intend to join that crowd. On another topic ive always been likeable to most people and that usually plays to my advantage. But when I see people I care about not able to get the same "favors" I feel guilty. This happened recently and it has been weighing on my mind, and this particular person kind of has a special place in my life...I'll address that another day...but all that comes to mind is "right person, wrong time" even though I would make it the "right time"...well...at least it gives me something to think about to pass the time...

my problems...and religion

The thing is...when you're as smart as I am you can coast by in life most of the time...I did this all thru high school and grade school....but u never learn how to study or work hard and this eventually caught up with me in college...I'm at a point in my life where its starting to feel anything ive ever dreamed of is out of reach...I know I'll never play pro football, I'll never be president, or someone important...hell I probably wont even get my dream job...and in order for me to even get close to any of it I would have to neglect the responsibilities I'm saddled with. I love my kids more than almost anything but I would be lying if I said I couldn't picture a better life if I had never had them...I see my friends taking trips and doing things or chasing their dreams and I wonder why don't I get to be happy? I guess I chased the wrong things growing up...people say have faith in God but I havent been religious for some time...I hats when something good happens it's "praise God, God is good" but when something bad happens "its all part of his mysterious plan"...people say God challenges people to make them stronger or test their faith...what happens to the people who don't get stronger? And for someone who is omnipotent "He" does a lot of testing and questioning as if he doesn't know everything...I do believe in an ultimate power, God, if u will, but to believe we could even understand or comprehend a being of immeasurable power and knowledge is prideful at best and foolish at worst.... U ever notice good memories get better with time? Its why I'd rather go out with friends than save money...if I dropped dead tomorrow I know I'll have wished I went to that concert, bbq, bar, or trip...the problem is I haven't made too many good memories in recent years...seems all I have to look forward to these days is my ride to work where I can listen to music and just chill and.....yea...that's about it Let me cut this short since I'm still at work but I'll write something less depressing later....aight...

yea...youre unique...like everyone else.....jackass

Well...I guess I'm doing this, no, I know I'm doing this because I have a lot to say and even more random thoughts to get out...I want to be honest but some things are better left unsaid. With that said I will reveal a lot about myself but I wont name names and hopefully people who read this wont judge me too harshly...regardless of what people say everyone cares (in some amount) what people think about them and the image they portray I describe myself as someone who knows a little about a lot, someone who loves sex, someone who is afraid of success, someone who is smarter than his position in life and someone who is uppity and conceited but still struggles with low self esteem, depression and bad/impulsive decisions... My counselor diagnosed me with an anger problem and dystemia...Dysthymia (English pronunciation: /dɪs.ˈθaɪ.miː.ə/), also known as neurotic depression, [citation needed] is a mood disorder consisting of chronic depression, with less severe but longer lasting symptoms than major depressive disorder. [1] The concept was coined by Dr Robert Spitzer (an editor of the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III)) as a replacement for the term "depressive personality" in the late 1970s. [2] According to the DSM's definition of dysthymia, it is a serious state of chronic depression, which persists for at least 2 years; it is less acute and severe than major depressive disorder. [3] As dysthymia is a chronic disorder, sufferers may experience symptoms for many years before it is diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they may believe that depression is a part of their character, so they may not even discuss their symptoms with doctors, family members, or friends. Yea I copied and pasted that from wikipedia...well...walking dead is coming on right now...so...guess I'll work on this later...