more bitching about life....

Sometimes I wish things were better...I look back at the choices ive made and know they could have been better, but at the time I made them it was the decision that caused the least amount of pain. Those same decisions are what are making me miserable now. Every skipped college class, every skipped workout during the season, every unpaid bill, every girl I chased...I feel like I'm paying the cost now and it makes life feel like its hardly worth living because I don't see a way out. I don't see how I'll ever be able to buy a house or a car or anything much more expensive than a nice laptop computer. So I stay in the army because it's the one place I feel like I matter, where I'm somebody other than a guy with child support payments and no car. I guess that's all I ever wanted out of life was to matter to the world. But the older I get the more I realize just how insignificant individuals are to the world, some more than others...I wish I could just drop everything and leave by myself. I'm not even sure what keeps me anchored to Chicago. I hardly even see the people i consider my best friends, neither of my children live in Chicago....so I'm not sure why I cant bring myself to leave... I genuinely feel I spend a lot of my time simply delaying the inevitable of what's really coming for me. Not sure what it is but if it follows the trajectory of my life thus far then it is bound to be something unpleasant...people always say what I should be doing but no one really has any insight on where the first step to take is...so instead of facing all of that Id rather lose myself in whatever helps me forget the reality of my reality...